i look outwards, i try to help my friends, i try to be there for them. i've thought of this as compassion. if i feel that they love me, then i feel better about myself. i forget my center. i barely exist - until i don't get what i want or i feel disrespected. then i get hurt or angry. then i disrespect them with judgment and blame, spoken and unspoken. then i attempt to manipulate and control them.
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