no matter how hurtful. no matter how mean. no matter how wrong. no matter how selfish. no matter how rude. no matter how critical. no matter how judgmental. no matter how disgusting. no matter how horrible a person may be, and no matter how much they've hurt me. there's a being inside of them that is perfect and innocent and pure light. to this being an infinite force like a shaft of electricity burns effortlessly through my hurt and anger, through my selfishness, through my pettiness. the infinite force of love burns through the suffering of all creatures. it is the fabric, the only fabric, infinite, of infinite colors.

there is a clear line that differentiates a loving person from a narcissistic person. its only unclear to and misunderstood by the narcissist.

when a loving person gives, it fills them up. when a narcissist gives, they feel as if something is given up. and if they continue to give, they will feel resentment.

the loving person will see the needs of another as an opportunity to love. the narcissist will feel controlled by the real and/or perceived needs of another.

meggan said to me today, "a step forward is usually a step in the right direction."

narcissists have trouble with empathy and compassion. they dont see beyond themselves.

why would you try so hard to hold on to something lousy when you could have something great?

"love is the ultimate state of human behavior where compassion prevails and kindness rules." - Yogi Bhajan

today begins a 40-day intensive.

links to my new blogs:
my daily yoga journal
my daily process coaching journal
my daily friendship journal
my daily study journal
my daily distinctions journal
my daily emotions journal

5am-7am - morning sadhana - my personal yoga time to focus on single asanas, work out alignments, develop sets, chant, meditate, etc (done with intention)
8am-12pm - yoga practice - pilates/hatha/kundalini/pranayama(rudra flow 3days/week)
1/2 hour - evening giving to friends/being with friends - daily work making gifts for friends and being with friends.
1/2 hour - evening study - reading now = relax & rejoice (yogi bhajan), yoga sutras (patanjali), light on yoga (b.k.s. iyengar), intro to tantra (lama yeshe), spiritual cannibalism (rudi), kundalini and the chakras (genevieve paulson), buddhism (steve hagen)
1/2 hour - evening process coaching work - daily journaling with the folks and keeping appointments from any triggers throughout the day.
1/2 hour - evening chores - cooking, baking, dishes, cleaning, laundry
1/2 hour - evening pranayama - breathing for balance and centeredness
diet - non-dairy vegetarian. no processed foods. no sugar.

Cathy said today, "you know.. all this that you're doing, in the healing, will improve your relations, but you dont have to do any of it, you are still loved by the Universe, by the Folks, the Creators, no matter what you do."

1. "I release the judgment that I must hate myself because I ____."
2. "I release the judgment that I am bad because I ____."
3. "I release the judgment that ____ is bad or wrong."
4.
a) "I release the judgment that I am in fact ____." (about a state of being, like lazy, manipulative, etc.)
b) " I release the judgment that I am too_____." (too sensitive, too emotional, too....etc.)
c) "I release the judgment that I must continue to ____." (to do something you've done and don't want to do anymore)

embrace your newfound attraction to people that are warm, loving, and open. let go of your attraction to people that are critical of you or critical of themselves, outwardly or inwardly.

embrace your newfound attraction to people that are accepting. let go of your attraction to people that strongly judge you or themselves.

embrace your newfound attraction to loving yourself. let go of your attraction to torturing yourself.

i'm listening to what's going on inside of me. at the turbulent surface my mind is churning millions of thoughts. but i'm swimming down. i'm deep in the ocean. it's still and quiet. this is the ocean of the eternal mother. it's all the love ever felt, past-present-future. i'm sitting quietly here. i pull down the situation from the surface. i ask myself, "what do you feel like you're not getting from this situation?" "why do you feel incomplete?" "what need is not being met in your life?" "your feelings are ok. you're expressing a real need." "who in you feels this?" "do you remember the 1st time you felt this?" i do any judgment release that i need to and then i practice 'reclaiming the past'. this transforms the situation from 'having' oriented to 'being' oriented. it takes the responsibility off of a loved one and gives it to my self.

"some people think if they can argue, they can win. nobody can win with arguments. logic and reason is not the way of life. the other person is not interested in being convinced. when you try to convince somebody, somebody tries to get out of it. this is a normal reaction. if you relay from the heart center, you will always have victory with you." - Yogi Bhajan

i really related to something Katie told me yesterday. she said coming into the light of love is like coming up from under water, taking a deep breath, and opening your eyes. thats how i've felt. but then i go back down. and then i come back up. over and over.

the tibetan term generally translated as 'renunciation' has the literal meaning of 'definite emergence' - Lama Yeshe

i believe that not going back under the water requires a spiritual practice. because i might be able to be happy for a while, even a long time, and it might look like my life is different. but attachments are like seaweed wrapped around my legs. and the ocean of existence is full of these rope-like aquatic plants. they tangle us up. and a spiritual practice is just the work of untangling ourselves. like doing the dishes or the laundry, its just a chore. a lot of people make it into something else, they create false-change. some make it too personal and even create false-healing. soul-retrieval is often self-serving and too much of a game. and yoga can be self-cherishing and like wanting an expensive car. i ask, "am i here for myself or for my loved ones?" the difference is between existing as a person who is 'having' oriented and a person who is 'being' oriented. sometimes i think i'm 'being' but i'm really not. a common misunderstanding is asking, "am i getting something out of this?" a spiritual practice makes it clear. 'having' or 'getting' is empty. yoga is the core of my spiritual practice. there're many forms of yoga. some yoga is entirely internal. and to me just sitting in easy pose is really challenging. a spiritual practice is about healing and becoming whole. it usually begins with dissatisfaction and unhappiness, when the seaweed has you trapped and you think you're drowning. but thats also part of the circle of repetitive behavior, coming up from the water and going back under. confusing the two is how false-change is created. the key is to serve my loved ones thru the daily work of untangling myself and learning transformation, becoming a merman :) love is a duty. and serving my loved ones is the heart of my discipline.

when i'm blaming someone else, ask myself, "what am i getting out of blaming this person?" avoiding responsibility. denying my judgments, not seeing my manipulative and controlling patterns. etc.

what is the difference between anxiety and excitement?
what is the difference between desperation and courage?

"our presence is our purity." - Yogi Bhajan

i noticed the thoughts running thru my mind while i was walking downtown today, and i realized i've spent my life judging people. i've treated people very harshly. i was judging everyone that walked by! maybe those thoughts are always there. i've never paid attention before. i feel sick about it now. its not that the judgments are that horrible, though some are really mean. its that its just so disrespectful to view human creatures as small pieces of my projected self. instead of seeing others' lives, i see my guilt and my frustration creating opinions about others. people i know nothing about! though it changes when i talk to strangers. and i do love talking to them. but in my head, i tear tear them down. i make them into meaningless little objects. and i do this to my loved ones too! in my head, most of these thoughts stay unspoken, i make judgments about what they should be doing or how they should be acting. often i think they're not loving or they're selfish. i try to let the thoughts go as they come up. but its a river of judgment.  so sometimes i try to let them go later, but they're too easily forgotten by my conscious mind. and if i do speak my opinions, to take responsibility for them, i can feel the judgment just sitting there in the background, not really going anywhere. because i believe that i know how people should behave, the way that i believe i behave, i feel powerful judgments and severe criticisms. this is me not feeling good enough. this is me knowing that i'm not what i believe i am. i might as well speak these transferred judgments, because they exist the same either way. i will have to learn to do judgment release each time i take responsibility. i have to be careful, because since i've noticed what i'm doing, i'm being really harsh to myself. and i notice that i get very irritated by noise or traffic or standing in line or anything that gets in my way or even the cats sometimes. and i'm completely intolerant of others shortcomings, judging my loved ones as ignorant or slow or stupid or unimportant or backward. and i think i know everything. half of what i say is incorrect or confused or made up. i get the facts wrong more often than right.

"if you we're taking responsibility, then you'd..."
"you're not treating me how i deserve to be treated."
"you're not being honest. lying is deceptive and manipulative."
"that's the definition. look it up."
"you're judging me."

"in this world, if we can only learn to respect the concerns of others, then we can have happiness." - Yogi Bhajan

whether i am or i'm not.
whether i do or i don't.
whether she is or she isn't.
whether she does or she doesn't.
whether i become or i don't become.
whether it happens or it doesn't happen.
whether i get it or i don't get it.
whether i have it or i don't have it.
whether i succeed or i don't succeed.
whether it works out how i want or it doesn't work out how i want.
whether i'm good or i'm not good.
whether i'm smart or i'm not smart.
whether i'm talented or i'm not talented.
whether i'm confident or i'm not confident.
whether i do it or i don't do it.
whether i'm loved or i'm not loved.

"did you ever learn that your existence is your communication? your projection is your relationship? you are the power? but life is often sour. there is no happiness, because your communication has no purpose of self. you communicate to impress someone. you don't communicate to relate you to someone. that's why you suffer now. you don't communicate consciously." - Yogi Bhajan

when i have a feeling of hurt, disappointment, disapproval, negativity, dislike, finding fault, looking down on someone, holding someone responsible, making someone wrong, judging someone in any way - then i have attachments. and i'm wanting someone to think of me instead of being free.

"communication and friendship is fitting a person in where they feel comfortable, not where you want to fit them or think they should go." - Yogi Bhajan

compassion is not just seeing thru another person's eyes, thru their living perspective. its also keeping yourself centered. i'm thinking of it as a heirarchy. 1st there's my real perspective that only comes from my center. 2nd there's grace, sort of a sense of fondness. 3rd there's a loved one's living perspective. i can't reach #3 without going thru #1 and #2. today compassion feels like there's a smile in me and there's love radiating out from me. compassion is a fond appreciation for someone else. if i feel like they're not doing what i want them to do, or if i think what they're doing isn't what i would do, or if it seems that their values aren't the same as my values, then i'm not appreciating their living perspective. it's a life, like a plant. its a unique creature. values and judgments are just a small piece. i can see more than a relationship. i can see the whole creature.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"i still believe kindness, compassion, forgiveness, and beautiful behavior are the basic gestures of the female." - Yogi Bhajan

when i talk to someone, i'm actually talking to myself. if i'm angry to them, i'm actually being angry to myself. i can show my loved ones the compassion i show myself. and i can show them the responsibility i have for myself. i can show them what it is to have a deep, connected relationship to myself. talk to her the way you talk to yourself. free of manipulation. and too respectful to be controlling.

people are not things. i don't get rid of them like old stuff i don't want anymore. i don't treat them like puppets or toys that i get tired of, or put away, or as if they're insignificant or peripheral. my loved ones are the light of my life. and i honor each of them with every breath.

"communication and friendship is fitting a person in where they feel comfortable, not where you want to fit them or think they should go." - Yogi Bhajan

its true that everyone is a reflection of me. and that what i judge in someone else is myself. the anger and hurt is me recognizing myself. and expressing my self-hatred is me criticizing someone else. others reflect me. when i judge others its because i have that judgment and disapproval of myself. i project my negative self-image onto others. i judge others according to how i judge myself.

everyone is free to decide their own values and their own path. free to live their lives however they choose, even if i hate it or think they're hurting themselves.

only offer help when it is requested. but then, when it is given, don't express opinions (judgments), even if they're agreed upon as true. there's no place for personal opinions (judgments) when helping someone. they're manipulative and controlling. it influences someone's beliefs about themselves or their beliefs about you or both.

I've felt incomplete. In the past.

love and fear - distorted feelings go from one to the other over and over with every heartbeat.

"guilt is a fear process where you truthfully believe that you have done something wrong. it is continuous, it is consistent with personality, and it is extremely destructive." - Yogi Bhajan

i've had this puerile need to prove myself and my goal has been to get love in return. i've been seeking approval and validation. and especially from women who are emotionally unavailable, emotionally damaged, narcissistic, self-serving, irrational, controlling and manipulative, guided by guilt, burdened by self-hatred, filled with shame, dishonest, and not nurturing (nurture = the act of caring and encouraging the growth or development of). this has been my misunderstanding of beauty. and my misunderstanding of love. i've made myself desperate. its been an endless pattern going nowhere. and throughout the process i've exhibited and cultivated a mirror image of the women's negative attributes. and thwarted my growth and development, and hers.

"in your own depth, you have nothing to be afraid of. there is no danger. your strength is in your own self-depth." - Yogi Bhajan

"push only towards god and universality because that is where you have to go and where you are going. that will create harmony." - Yogi Bhajan

"even when it gets hard to do, thats exactly where you want to be. you want it to get hard. you want it to get challenging. and then you go through that challenge to the other side. you go to your edge, you pass your edge, and then you're able to live in that space in your life. you know that when the going gets rough, you'll be able to keep up."

my healthy ego gets 50% of my self-esteem inernally and 50% from the sum total of all my external relationships.

"a meditative mind will tell you what to do, why to do it, where to do it, the whole thing, right there on the spot. there is nothing unknown, you know the known. what is the will of god? it is the gift of the mind." - Yogi Bhajan

"while were cultivating love, compassion, wisdom, and all the other insights, we can be helping others continuously. living a simple life with a heart dedicated to overcoming self-cherishing, we automatically benefit others." - Lama Yeshe

i look outwards, i try to help my friends, i try to be there for them. i've thought of this as compassion. if i feel that they love me, then i feel better about myself. i forget my center. i barely exist - until i don't get what i want or i feel disrespected. then i get hurt or angry. then i disrespect them with judgment and blame, spoken and unspoken. then i attempt to manipulate and control them.

the germanic norns spin the threads of fate and the greek moirae control the threads of fate.

i'm learning to function as a whole person from a state of inner completeness, a state of being.

i see that i'm dependent and needy but i think that i'm loving and loyal.
i see that i'm vain and narcissistic but i think that i'm kind and helpful.
i see that i get satisfaction from causing pain but i think that i've done what is good for someone.
i see that i'm destructive but i think that its my sense of justice and that the punishment is helpful.
i see that i'm afraid and a coward but i think that i'm realistic and using good judgment.
i see that i'm arrogant but i think that i'm extremely humble.
i see that i'm afraid of freedom but i think that i don't want to hurt anyone.
i see that i'm insincere but i think that i'm polite and kind.
i see that i'm deceptive and betraying but i think that i'm objective and honest.

i can't help dishonest or deluded loved ones unless they ask for help. to do so would be controlling, manipulative, and dishonest on my part.

"people who are not honest in their communication shall never be happy. and they will not be healthy because unhappiness will tax their health." - Yogi Bajhan

when i get angry at someone else, the judgment, that makes me freak out, is actually a reflection of my polluted self. and it has nothing to do with the other person. i'm using them to avoid confronting my self. like the feeling of being betrayed or lied to comes up when i'm not being honest with someone. and even if the lie is real, the meaning of it is not. its distorted to serve me feeling hurt.

i'm overwhelmed by fear, hurt, and sadness. i'm flooded with shame. my shoreline is overcome. my walls have all come down. my things are washed away. there's nothing that seperates me from an ocean of deep sadness and dark shame. i'm adrift. i'm drowned. i'm dead. i'm part of it all. the shame. the sadness. the regret. the confusion. the pain. the longing. the sharp deaths. the blood. the rivers. the big waters. the limitless waters. the horizon. the water. the fishes. the debris. drifting. floating. mysterious. dark water. night. biting fish. dead body. dead flesh. drifting. infinite. nothing. no one. night.

"take one minute a day to be yourself, to breathe one breath a minute, to love yourself, to feel you are divine. in that one minute feel peace within yourself, feel peace with everybody. if we take judging ourselves and others out of our life, we will mostly be living in paradise." - Yogi Bhajan

"that in whom reside all beings and who resides in all beings, who is the giver of grace to all, the supreme soul of the universe, the limitless being - i am that." - Amritbindu Upanishad

hurt is self-created and serves to control me. it reinforces limiting patterns that keep me from being alive. its part of my story. its an old story.

if i cut off anger i cut off passion.
if i cut off anxiety i cut off acceptance.
if i cut off fear i cut off courage.
if i cut off hurt i cut off understanding.
if i cut off grief i cut off love.

"thats it, i'm DONE!" - when i think i've reached my limit, my cutoff point, i know that growth is at my doorstep. but blame, guilt, and judgment are locking and barricading the door. this is a reaction. this is denial in action. this is irresponsibility. i can take responsibility for my triggers without blaming others. i can create healthy boundaries without acting like a victim. boundaries are my responsibility. not the responsibility of the people i love.

what do you do when you feel hurt because someone says they love you, but they dont treat you that way? when it happens over and over again. and you keep taking responsibility for your feelings and judgments, but the same feelings and judgments keep coming up each time?

my purpose in this life is to love you

the running stream of thoughts is controlling you. its manipulating you. its creating distorted facts, false realities, and reactions. the feelings you are experiencing right now are not true. they've been created and distorted by your mind. they're lies. wake up now. this is darkness, but you're alive!

give the people you love- give them back their lives. give them freedom. give them your real love. give them your care. give them your devotion. give them your life. serve the ones you love with your being. give up control. give up identity. give up selfishness. give up independence. you belong. you are of them. there is no need. there is no fear. there is no you. surrender your will. be in practice. be in love. be in honesty. be in yoga. be in the breath. be in now.

when are you going to surrender? when are you really going to put down the way of control and manipulation?
its time now. let go. let it all go. the bad, the good, the worst, the best, the in-between, just let it all go. surrender everything. surrender ego. surrender identity. experience the freedom of being in the flow of life.

respect is the ability to see another person as they are. respect means the concern that the other person should grow and unfold as she is. manipulating someone, getting them to do what i want them to do, transforms that person into a thing. a possession.

practicing letting go - practicing detachment - practicing no judgment - practicing unconditional loving

petty defensiveness and arguing takes place outside of my center. but deep hurt and strong anger seems to come from the core of my being.

i've noticed that i'm more irritable when i haven't eaten, and my body carries more stress, so i'm eating less to stay conscious of these feelings and doing more yoga to alleviate the stress.

every day i work to let go of judgments and distorted feelings because i want to be happy. i want to feel better. and i want to be a loving person. but this is exactly what keeps me from really being alive. because happiness is an illusion- not in a mysterious buddhist sense, but in a simple, real sense- happiness is a small part of life. happiness doesn't include all of being. feelings aren't all happy. life isn't made to be happy. being real is not about being happy. being a loving person is about caring for yourself while being deeply connected, committed, and compassionate. being a loving person is about letting go of judgments and overcoming resistance. being a loving person is about unconditional love.

when i avoid or 'change' my life because of feelings, i'm essentially denying those feelings. feelings are natural and loving. judging feelings creates a feeling of need. and judging life because of my feelings creates feelings of need (a desire to alter reality). its this judgment connected to the feeling that distorts my perception of the feeling and attaches the result to me. when i release the judgment, then i see the feeling for what it is. i see the hurt, the pain, and the anger in perspective. and it is less that i'm hurting or angry and more that i have to avoid feeling unlovable. i feel powerfully that i need to do something to 'change' reality, to protect myself from the protruding judgment that i'm bad or unlovable. I do this to myself and so do the people that i love. i dont want to feel unlovable or bad. i dont want it confirmed. these are the deep roots of judgment.

reactions are pre-existing judgments producing strong feelings in the moment. they're part of my narcissistic self. rejecting someone's behavior, thoughts, or feelings is a reaction, a judgment. its me acting controlling and manipulative.

quiet discipline - concentration - patience - breath - awareness of presence -
an expression of the internal - a relaxed focus of the center - I am the creator.
this is practiced with intention alone twice a day and always when i'm with others.

mindstream - sit with the eternal series of momentary consciousnesses, independent of physical processes - eternal flux - continuity of practice - 10,000 rising and falling breaths of consciousness - impermanence - continually letting go - practicing detachment - practicing deep surrender - long deep breathing

one of the 4 pillars of kundalini

7 layers of being (chakras) that connect earth-mother (shakti) energy to sky-father (shiva) energy.

deep detachment is deep surrender and being absolutely present. its total involvment in a relationship while practicing the ability to continuously let go of judgments as they come up and staying in a compassionate realm (responsibility), deeply listening to and accepting another while fully experiencing and accepting my inner-self.

fake detachment is judging another person's behavior, thoughts, or feelings but not saying anything about it. and acting like you're loving while keeping your "spiritual" space.

feelings are made to be felt. feelings are energy. feelings are life. feelings are being. feelings flow thru me.

• 1. "I release the judgment that (person's name) is bad because she____"
• 2. "I release the judgment that ____ is bad or wrong."
• 3. "I release the judgment that (person's name) in fact ____"

when i think something is so, it becomes so. either because i have created the exact space for it to become reality in a relationship or in another person, or because i have reinforced that judgment of reality in such a way as to make it so for the other person. and if they resist or dont agree with my judgment of reality, my opinion creates the opposite reality in them (which is the same) or a denial of my reality in them (which is the same). and often it inspires guilt in their heart. since most of these self-serving/self-avoiding judgments are critical or negative (guilt/blame). and it doesnt matter how justified or accurate i am. it doesnt matter how honest i am. it doesnt matter how right i am.

to have or not to have are the same thing: pretend letting go.
having can be things or people or ideas or feelings.
having things like: freedom, self-expression, peace of mind, choice, happiness, strength, health, love, clarity, simplicity, understanding, honesty, self-respect, generosity, compassion.
wanting that stuff is attachment, not being. i see how i'm really being when that stuff is threatened or not respected or taken advantage of or pushed to the limit or abused.

acceptance is not about fairness.

responsibility is grounded.

hoarding feelings and pretend letting go are the same thing. just like you can get rid of stuff all the time without actually letting go of stuff. "out of sight out of mind" is the same as "sweeping it under the rug."

i notice that when someone asks for help i do two things:

being nice and feeling sweet is a fake happiness.

unconditional love doesn't judge.

i saw the clear mind today. the responsible mind. the peaceful mind. the clear mind.

root - anger - cultivate kindness
sex - neediness (hoarding) - cultivate generosity
navel - ignorance - cultivate wisdom
heart - jealousy - cultivate compassion
throat - excessive pride -
3rd eye -
crown - laziness/sloth - cultivate action, on point

taking things personally is the opposite of unconditional love.

i want to be loved unconditionally.

acceptance is non-attachment.

letting go means letting go of all attachment - not just letting go of hurt and anger and negatives, but also positives like hope and desire and passion and love itself.

unconditional love is exactly how i would like to be treated.

taking responsibility means anytime that i judge, every time! that i judge, i take responsibility for it.

don't ask others to clean up their act or be better friends. and if i do, then take responsibility. watch for this when feeling hurt or angry or judgmental.

i can ask for time to express my feelings or i can even ask to express my judgments. but expecting it as a right, demanding it, is blame (guilt turned outward against the people that i love).

all expectation is a form of attachment.

all taking things personally, all getting hurt is a form of attachment.

all right and wrong (judgment) is a form of attachment.

there is no love in attachment.

non-violence is complete surrender and total acceptance.

when I feel absolutely right and justified in my anger or hurt.
when I feel driven to be heard.
when I don't see choices anymore.
that's the time when I need to have compassion.
that's when I need to listen.
that's when I need to put myself in the other person's place.
because that's when I hurt someone's feelings or hear their feelings.
that's when I try to force someone to listen or listen to them.
that's when I demand that someone change or accept them and get to know them better.
that's when I try to take away someone's freedom or support their happiness.
when I feel hurt or angry.

that's when I can choose to show the love in my heart.
that's when I can choose to be compassionate.

1. "I release the judgment that I must hate myself because I ____"
2. "I release the judgment that I am bad because I ____"
3. "I release the judgment that ____ is bad or wrong."
4. "I release the judgment that I am in fact ____"

guilt and blame are a continuum. when it is in us, it is guilt. when it is in someone else, it is blame. guilt we feel impossible to own ourselves becomes blame when it is projected out onto another. releasing judgments against others (blame) is just as liberating as releasing them against ourselves. just say, "i release the judgment that (person's name) is bad because they ..." and "i release the judgment that ... is bad or wrong." either way, guilt or blame, it's ours to release.